Dueling club
by hanjuuluver
Summary: A little Lockhart bashing never hurt anyone. Well, except perhaps Lockhart. Crossover of Fullmetal Alchemist and Harry Potter. One shot.
1. Chapter 1

Well, Kate (my muse of doom) has been at it again.

Kate: how come you added "of doom" onto my title?

Me: …cuz I felt like it… anywho, she gave me this idea while watching Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. It involves lots a Lockheart bashing, both verbally and physically. If u no like, u no read. Ok, that's all I have to say.

Disclaimer: I don't own HP or FMA, so there. XP

Dueling club

'_This is great. Just great. Some crazy idiot who thinks he's a teacher now thinks he has the authority to drag me out of the library to do some idiotic "wizard's dual." Just because I'm a teacher at this god damned excuse for a school now people automatically assume that they can use me in their little demonstrations. Then again, I didn't have to agree, but actually being asked to beat the crap out of that incompetent bastard is more than I could ask for. I guess that would be the silver lining of all this, wouldn't it? That man's called me short just one too many times.'_ Ed thought as he stood at the foot of a long, rectangular platform that was supposed to be used for the dual. As he finished his musings, said incompetent bastard climbed up the stairs to the platform. Gildiroy Lockheart.

"Gather round!" he shouted needlessly as hundreds of black robed students began to crowd around the platform. "can everybody se me? Can every body, hear me?" he asked, flashing that idiotic smile around like he was a walking lighthouse. Ed couldn't help but feel sorry for the poor misguided idiot. Though that pity didn't last very long as it transferred over to the poor students who were supposed to be taught by aforementioned idiot.

"In light of the dark events of recent weeks, Professor Dumbledore has granted me permission to start this little dueling club." Ed couldn't help but scoff at that remark. This guy probably knew as much about dueling as a cat's scratching post. "to train you up incase you ever need to defend yourself, as I myself have done on countless occasions (for full details see my published works)" he finished, pulling off his green cape and tossing it out to some misguided fangirls. "Let me introduce my assistant, Edward Elric. He has sportingly agreed to help me with my demonstration, but I don't want any of you to worry, you'll still have your alchemy teacher when I'm through with him."

"Quite. Though I'm not so sure about your defense against the dark-arts teacher." Ed said, stepping up onto the stage as well amid cheers from the boys who simply wanted to see the idiot teacher feel the wrath of the small blond everyone in the school had quickly come to respect for his knowledge of his field as well as his hot temper that would be put to use to anyone who was stupid enough to insult his height. This would be an interesting dual.

"You certainly do make up in confidence what you lack in height, don't you professor?" and stupid idiot number one…

"WHO ARE YOU CALLING SO SMALL AN ANT COULDN'T EVEN NOTICE HIM! I SHOULD TRANSMUTE YOUR LEGS AND STICK 'EM ON YOUR HEAD!" he shouted, though he managed to refrain from going through with his threat until the dual had properly started. Then he would have his fun.

"why, I never said such a thing." Said Lockheart, quite taken aback by the outburst, and rather stunned at the death threat that had come with it. He wasn't used to someone threatening his should-be royal self before. Several of the girls gasped at the threat as well, but most of the people who had gathered simply laughed at the comment and waited for the dual to start.

"very well. Umm… as I was saying, each person bows to the other, then turns around, and walks three steps, then turns around again to face their opponent." He said as calmly as he could manage as the two teachers demonstrated. As soon as they had both turned around, Lockheart sent an expeliarmus spell at Ed, who simply sidestepped, taking the liberty of teaching the class himself.

"If your opponent attacks with a wand, as Lockheart just demonstrated, the easiest way to avoid it," he said, ducking another spell that was sent at him, "is to dodge it. However, if the time arises when you are surrounded, and must use magic, which it is better to avoid because then your concentration will be settled on one thing rather than your surroundings, attack quickly, and then try to move out of the way," he calmly explained, sending an expeliarmus spell back to Lockheart, which he was unable to avoid and fell flat on his royal bum. "then, if you find you are disarmed, and are unable to use alchemy for one reason or another," he continued, waiting for his opponent to get back up and attack him once more, which he did, and as the expeliarmus spell hit Ed straight on this time, knocking his wand out of his hands, but not taking his balance away from him as Ed landed firmly on both feet after being flung backwards, "It is best to use physical force. They can't send an attack at you if they are unconscious," Ed finished, very happy about what he was about to be allowed to do. Gildiroy was delivered a succession of five punches to the face in a row, and a drop kick which knocked him on his back. He quickly attempted to get up, but Ed did a front flip, punching him in the stomach before he could, temporarily knocking the wind out of him, and successfully knocking him out cold. "and that is how I dual. I find it far more effective than using magic alone. If you rely solely on magic, then you have absolutely no defense when that advantage is taken away from you. From my personal experience, I have found that the more you can use to your advantage, and the more aware you can be of everything that is happening around you, the better," He said, lifting the unconscious body of Lockheart over his shoulder. "Now, excuse me for a moment as I take the professor to the hospital wing. He should be better in a few hours. If not, it's the weekend, so no one will need him until Monday anyway. I'll be right back, and then I'll split you all up into groups, and you can try dueling amongst each other," He announced, smirking slightly, enjoying having soundly beaten the pretty boy who was supposed to be teaching the class, thinking that it was defiantly worth being dragged away from research books to do this. Then, just for the heck of it, he made sure to let Lockhearts head whack up against the stone pillar as he walked out of the Great Hall, and was rewarded with a loud thump as the last few brain cells died off in the man's head. Ed wasn't worried. He would re-grow all of them in a few hours anyway. After all, the incompetent idiot only had about twenty to begin with.

A/N: for all those who didn't find it obvious, I really don't like Lockheart, and find it extremely amusing to torment him. Then again, I do like Ed, but I enjoy tormenting him too, though not the same way as I torment Lockheart. I just send Ed into alternate dimensions without any idea how to get back home, put him through confusing situations, force him to be chased after by cannibalistic giraffes, and refuse to give him any cookies… well, anywho, how did ya all like this? Let me know! Though it's only a one-shot, I would still like to know how it turned out. The first 5 reviewers get cookies!

Ed: how come they get all the cookies?

Me: because I say so, and I like tormenting you.

Ed: XP


	2. NOTICE

I AM POSTING THIS NOTICE TO ALL MY STORIES BECAUSE IT IS IMPORTANT AND NO ONE SEEMS TO BE LOOKING AT MY PROFILE!!!

I have for some time been thinking about creating a new account, because I feel that I've outgrown "hanjuuluver" for a number of reasons--primarily that my writing style has changed so much it simply doesn't mesh with what I started with, but I don't really want to /erase/ my earlier fics either.

I would have moved to Live Journal, but I'm electronicaly challenged (a sad fate for a 20 year old college student at a tech school--It's most embarrassing) and can't figure out how to work it. As such, I am staying here on , but will be moving to a new account, **Rio Azules** is my new penname. As motivation to go over there, not only will I be posting my new fics there, but in a month or two that will be the only place to read the fanfics that I like from hanjuuluver such as Homecoming, Together in Solitude, For Now and Forever, and many more.

I really hope you all follow me over to my new account, **Rio Azules**, and that you continue to put up with my lameness. Chances are I will never write another chapter fic and will just be contented with occasionally posting one-shots, drabbles, and perhaps the occasional three-shot.

For those of you reading Waiting For You, I'll finish writing that here on hanjuuluver and it may or may not be transferred to Rio Azules later. We'll see.

Thank you all for reading my work as hanjuuluver.


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